One two three one two three drink

chandelier I am obsessed with the song Chandelier by Sia. My first listen was when my 13-year-old showed me the video. A captivating dance accompanies the song. A still-curveless, 11-year-old girl wearing a skin-colored leotard is shocking as she spins and flips through a dirty, gray apartment. Her flawless moves are at times graceful and at other times purposefully disconcerting. She portrays someone who is clearly mentally unbalanced. She is alone and confused, which is the perfect fit for the solitary, ashen setting. Striking. Disturbing. Sad. Hollow. But it’s so beautiful and I cannot...
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My morning (or Ricochet) (or Open the door, Elsa)

path  Woke up this morning to the obnoxious bell tower tone from the alarm on my phone. Before falling asleep, I had tossed the phone to the other side of the room so there was no chance of snoozing when the alarm sounded at 4:45. I needed to be completely upright because a friend was on her way over for a walk.   As I shook the fuzz out of my...
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Forgive? I’m not so sure

I originally posted this in February. Hope it speaks to you today. I know I needed the reminder that forgiveness is not easy but necessary.

---------- My emotional scars are like a mark that’s been on my chin for 30 years. When a telephone pole unpleasantly stopped the car I was riding in, my head kept going, resulting in a bite through my chin and the dashboard, a smashed windshield, and a concussion. (Riding without a seatbelt in the front seat of a car traveling highway speeds in freezing rain is not something I would recommend by the way.) The blood...
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It’s not about the music

Playing music (3) From time to time I post pictures of my husband and kids playing music on Facebook. A few days ago, I received this letter (edited).   “Hey J.J., I have question for you. My dream is to sit around in the living room together as a family, spending time together by playing music and worshipping God. However I have never seen this played out before. When I see all these photos of your husband playing music with your kids, I think: 'That’s it. That’s what I want!' Is there some advice or...
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Guilty for not feeling guilty

Niagara Falls (35)I have spent the entire summer feeling guilty for leaving my three kids home alone while I worked. Even though my oldest is 13 and I was gone just five hours a day at the most, I felt the angst. School starts Monday and I now feel guilty that I am happy to send them to school so I can lose my guilt about leaving them home. I'm guilty about not feeling guilty - or something like that!   Our society teaches us that everything is possible. We see what others are...
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Another post about the “s” word with a bit of hope thrown in (with a book review and a giveaway)

waterfall I was in my dim hotel room working on a blog post about hope. My family slept deeply nearby after a long day of extreme touristing, and I sat where I could see Niagara Falls lit with colors of the rainbow. I popped over to CNN for a distraction from my writing that was going nowhere and unfortunately found there the news of Robin Williams’ death.   My heart dropped. When I read his death was most likely a suicide, my hope went out that window and evaporated with the mist. Darn it, Robin...
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Freedom after tragedy

  This date is one I can’t escape. It doesn’t kill me like it used to but I can’t shake its significance. My life changed forever today 32 years ago. Embarrassing sometimes that I even care anymore about August 4. But it sticks in my head and will not be ignored.   I spent the night at my dad’s house after visiting the county fair. My step-sis and I, both 12, were full after gorging on cotton candy and elephant ears.   In the morning we buzzed by my house, only a few blocks away, so I could grab some clean clothes for the day. I...
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Dear Pain, Shame, Hate, and Anger

target I am usually a wreck. My mind is a minefield, explosions of distraction with each passing minute. Oh, I should write that down. Oh, I need to look up a recipe. Oh, I wish I were a crafty mom. Oh, I need to call that person. Oh, my kid needs new shoes. Oh, we’re out of toothpaste. Oh, the husband and I haven’t been communicating lately. Oh, I let that person down. Oh, I should call my parents. Oh, the dryer is finished. Oh, I was supposed to leave for work five...
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I hate this day

A best friend of a close friend’s daughter died suddenly yesterday in a ridiculous accident near our house that was not her fault. I haven’t stopped shaking since I heard the news and I didn’t even know the girl. My heart is broken for my young friend.   High school graduation was less than a month ago. Now a life of one of the hopeful graduates is gone. For no reason.   Trying to figure out what to do to help. Keep checking in with my friend to see what I can do to help her or her daughter. Of course – there is...
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Look at me! I’m wonderful.

Emma and Sondre (1)   In one hour, I have to be walking out the door. I have been holding in the back of my mind for a few weeks now the nagging desire to publish a blog post.   But I haven’t taken the time to write because I’ve been trying to be intentional about other stuff. About not brushing my family aside while I write about how awesome my family is. Ya know.   So in these few minutes I have this morning, I will share a random smorgasbord of tedious thoughts:   1.  #tfios #dftba If you...
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